The Art of Self-Control: Strengthening Relationships Through Awareness

February 28th, 2025

In every interaction, whether personal or professional, the ability to control emotions, thoughts, and behaviors plays a crucial role in fostering positive relationships. Emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming, but learning to manage them helps prevent unnecessary conflict. Similarly, thought patterns influence the way we perceive situations, and shifting negative or irrational thinking can lead to healthier communication. Lastly, behaviors are a reflection of both emotions and thoughts—choosing how to respond rather than react impulsively can make all the difference in maintaining respect and understanding in relationships. This blog reflects on my experiences in managing these aspects and how they influence my interactions, particularly in romantic relationships.

Mastering Emotional Control: A Journey of Growth and Healing

Let’s be honest—unlearning ingrained emotional reactions isn’t easy. As an adult, I’ve had to recode my brain and actively work against the behaviors that were modeled for me growing up. I don’t want to be the kind of mother who yells at her children or lashes out in frustration. I want to break the cycle. That’s why I practice emotional regulation, even when it feels unnatural.

But I won’t pretend I have it all figured out. I still resort to yelling sometimes, especially when I feel overwhelmed. The difference now is that I recognize it and pull myself back—or rather, Dakota does. His calm energy is what combats my reaction, and I am so grateful for that. He reminds me, without words, that I don’t have to let frustration dictate my response. Maybe it’s the extra hormones from pregnancy, but I’ve noticed I’m sharper than usual, quick to react rather than reflect. It’s something I am actively working on because I don’t want my emotions to control my interactions, especially in my marriage.

With children, I have a lot more patience. I soften my tone, take my time, and approach things with understanding. But with adults? That’s where I struggle. I have very little patience when I feel disrespected, unheard, or when someone isn't meeting me at my level of emotional effort. That’s where I still need to do the work—learning that patience isn’t just for children; it’s for everyone. If I want to truly rewire my responses, I have to extend that same grace to the adults in my life, even when it’s hard.

Rewiring My Mind: The Journey to Healthier Thinking

Rewriting the patterns of my thoughts has been a challenge. Growing up in an environment where yelling and conflict were the norm, I internalized the idea that love and respect were things you had to fight for. If something wasn’t loud or emotionally charged, it didn’t feel real. Because of this, I developed a habit of assuming the worst in situations—if someone was short with me, I immediately worried I had done something wrong. I had to learn that not every tone, glance, or moment of silence was an attack.

But let’s be honest—I still assume the worst. It’s like my mind automatically jumps to negative conclusions, even when there’s no real reason to. The difference now is that I lean on prayer to pull me back. I remind myself to pause, breathe, and trust that things are not always as bad as they seem. And honestly? 10/10 times, nothing was ever actually wrong. My anxiety was creating problems that didn’t exist.

One experience that stands out was a misunderstanding through text. I assumed someone was upset with me because their response felt cold, and immediately, my mind spiraled into overthinking. Instead of dwelling on it and feeding into my anxieties, I reminded myself that texts lack tone and context. When I finally spoke with the person, I realized there was never an issue at all. That moment reinforced how powerful our thoughts can be—if we let them, they will create problems that only exist in our minds.

I am still working on reframing situations rather than assuming the worst. It’s not always easy, but I am learning to trust God over my anxieties and remind myself that not every silence is a sign of conflict. Peace starts in the mind, and I am choosing to fight for that peace every day.

Choosing Love Over Trauma: Unlearning Toxic Patterns

My upbringing has also shaped how I approach romantic relationships. Because I was raised in an environment where control and dominance were mistaken for authority, I used to think that love meant tolerating these behaviors. I thought sacrifice and endurance were measures of commitment, even if it meant feeling unheard or unappreciated. But I now understand that real love is built on mutual respect, emotional intelligence, and open communication—not power struggles or unspoken resentment. That’s why I am intentional about choosing a partner who values these qualities.

With Dakota, I see a future where my children won’t have to unlearn the same emotional patterns I did. I know that how I treat my family will set the tone for the kind of home I create. That’s why I actively work on being patient, practicing empathy, and responding thoughtfully instead of reacting out of frustration. I don’t want to be a mother who yells or disciplines out of anger—I want my children to feel safe, heard, and loved.

But let’s be honest—I also recognize that I need to respect my partner more. My traumas don’t belong in this space, yet I sometimes project them and create unnecessary drama. I know this is something I need to work on, and I continue to lean on faith to help guide me through these adversities. I want my children to see their parents as healthy, loving, and great communicators. We don’t have to agree on everything, but we respect each other and have no reason to change one another. Instead, we accept our individuality and love each other for it.

That’s the kind of love I want to model for my family—not one built on control or emotional outbursts, but one rooted in grace, understanding, and unwavering respect.

A Balanced Mind, A Peaceful Heart: Connecting Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions

I’ve seen firsthand how emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are deeply connected. When I misinterpreted my husband's words during a stressful moment, my initial emotional response was frustration. That frustration fueled negative thoughts about feeling misunderstood, which could have led me to react defensively. But because I was aware of this pattern, I caught myself and chose to communicate calmly instead. That moment turned into a meaningful conversation rather than an argument.

These small, mindful choices make all the difference. Managing my emotions helps me control my thoughts, and in turn, my thoughts shape my behaviors. By working on all three aspects, I am actively breaking the cycle that generations before me have accepted as normal.

The Hard Truth: Acknowledging Where I Need to Improve

Despite my growth, I still struggle with overanalyzing situations and letting frustration cloud my judgment. The way I was raised conditioned me to expect conflict, so I have to remind myself that not every disagreement is a battle. One personal goal I have is to continue practicing patience—not just with others, but with myself. I want to give myself grace when I make mistakes and remind myself that healing from years of cultural conditioning takes time.

Another area for improvement is trusting my emotions without letting them control me. I’ve come a long way, but I know there will be moments where I’ll be tested—moments where the old patterns resurface. When those moments come, I want to choose love, understanding, and emotional regulation over frustration and impulse.

Reflecting on emotional, thought, and behavioral control has given me a deeper understanding of how much my past has influenced my present. But more importantly, it has reminded me that I have the power to change the future. By being mindful of my reactions, shifting my thought patterns, and choosing my behaviors intentionally, I am not only creating healthier relationships for myself but also setting the foundation for the kind of home I want my children to grow up in.

This journey isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Breaking generational cycles takes work, and while I may not be perfect, I am committed to doing better. Because at the end of the day, love should feel safe, communication should be open, and home should be a place of peace—not a battlefield.